Scott Harris, Storyteller, Dad, Work In Progress

Scott 0:00

Man, I used to always hear. Scott, you're not evil enough.

Robb 0:11

Welcome to another episode of Chewing the Fat. I'm your host Big Robb. Thank you so much for tuning in, downloading the podcast. I certainly do appreciate that. To the folks that have uh left ratings and reviews on Apple Podcasts, thank you so much. It does help more folks find the podcast when we tell those beautiful, messy human stories. And today, with me in studio, please welcome Scott Harris. Scott.

Scott 0:36

What's up, Robb?

Robb 0:37

Hey man. How are you?

Scott 0:38

All right.

Robb 0:39

Good.

Scott 0:39

Glad to be here.

Robb 0:40

Yeah, I appreciate you coming in. Uh Scott and I have worked together in the uh media uh ministry uh for for a few years now, um doing uh doing tech uh at church here in uh Evans. And um, you know, I've just gotten to know you and and and appreciate you and your talents and your uh heart. And you've got a really great story, so that's why I wanted to see if you'd want to be here to uh to share it. So I appreciate you coming in. I really do.

Scott 1:14

Thanks. Yeah, I've uh enjoyed getting to know you as well and and certainly have a story. I don't know if it's great.

Robb 1:22

Well, you know, every like I said, everybody has a story, and uh being able to kind of tell that and uh is is something that kind of helps us all. So um but you're you're you're in Evans. Uh is that uh is that where you're born and raised, or do you transplant?

Scott 1:39

No, I'm actually uh from Florida, grew up in Florida.

Robb 1:42

Oh wow, what area?

Scott 1:43

I was born and raised, well, born in Daytona Beach and lived there for about eight years and then kind of moved across Central Florida. My dad, he is a retired minister, and so we moved around a little bit, and uh I I would probably call Sarasota Lakewood Ranch area home.

Robb 2:03

Yeah, yeah. What uh what were you into uh growing up in uh the Sarasota area? Like just regular kid stuff?

Scott 2:11

I mean, or like Yeah, I I baseball, played a lot of baseball and um and basketball, and and uh certainly was part of church growing up. And um I was one of those kids that was like geeky and nerdy, but also I love sports. So, you know, I I would do you know, probably ashamed to admit this, choir and then uh in band, played in band. And then uh when I was in 11th grade, I finally learned uh the guitar so that I could uh pick up chicks. There you go. It didn't work very well. Were you just a bad guitar player or just bad at picking up chicks? I think I'm bad at picking up chicks. I think that's more it. Lack of game.

Robb 2:55

There you go. So um I mean, I guess you know, being a being a PK, being a pastor's kid, that you that that was pretty much your your world for for most of your most of your life going up like that, right?

Scott 3:10

Yeah, it was. You know, I was the youngest of three. I have two older sisters, and and my parents split when I was 10. And that kind of created some uh some some dissonance, I would say. And uh just kind of growing up in a in a blended home and uh and you know keeping the peace between my family and my my my sisters, but they kind of not that they fell out of church, or they they did they they kind of fell out of church, but not uh of their faith, I would say. So um they they're less religious, more spiritual, maybe.

Robb 4:01

Yeah, you know, and that's not necessarily a a bad thing. You know, especially if you're a preacher's kid and that you're in it and you see you see, you know, you nobody should see how the sausage is made. Really, you know, when you when you start to see that kind of behind the scenes of any job, but especially something uh like uh a church, and you start seeing those meetings and how people treat each other not on Sunday, right? Can really uh can can put a bad taste in your mouth.

Scott 4:34

It can, and it has for me uh uh over the years, and I think we'll probably get into it a little more down down the line here, but uh I've learned to hold a lot of things in tension in my life where I I the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that things aren't so black and white. And sometimes, you know, you have good people that um maybe do bad things or or they they mean well and they somehow mess up. And yeah uh and so there are often times people we disagree with and and so s I guess I've tried to figure out how to be less right and more um more one with people, you know. So that's that's been a a growing curve for me. Yeah, yeah.

Robb 5:36

So I I met you at at the church doing tech. Um it is was that type of stuff like video services, videos, uh music, was that always something that was that you had a passion for? Obviously you played the guitar and you did choir and and band, but like when you went and went off to college, we're like, yep, I'm gonna be uh whatever.

Scott 5:56

Yeah, you know, um it was never something that I wanted to do as a career. It's it's always been a like a little side passion of mine. And really the way I got started, I was fortunate to have a youth pastor that let me play in the band. And um, you know, I they we would joke about the suck button, you know, on the on the mixer where they would just mute you, you know. But I always tell people the way you learn is to just get with people who will let you play, and then you they they say, Don't play it that way, play it this way, you know, and and um and then you just learn through failure. But um I did I played in the band at church and and started learning there. And then when I got to college, I started at Oglethorpe University in Atlanta and was part of a uh Oglethorpe Christian Fellowship. And I played guitar with some folks there, and then I kind of went off the rails a little bit, and I joked that I was one of the few individuals that transferred to Florida State to stop partying. Um so I uh I joined a fraternity when I was a sophomore, and I had a little too much fun. Yeah. And um, but yeah, I I I kind of took a little bit of a break from church there for a while, but uh I I I sort of got back into it. But music for me is is really been a a way that I connect to to the the divine. Um it it's sort of like a meditative practice for me. Yeah. And um and it you know, it doesn't have to necessarily be worship music. I I just appreciate all kinds of genres. It's to me, I I say it's the universal language. Yeah, yeah. That you can go to any country and you may not know the language and may may not be able to speak, but certainly music somehow translates. I can remember one time I was uh I was a youth pastor at the time, and I took a a big group to uh the Bahamas for a mission trip. I know it was rough in it in the Bahamas. Oh wow, yeah. But they do get a lot of hurricanes, and so we were doing some reconstruction, but we were on the beach one day and we were just playing music, playing some songs, and these Bahamians were there and they were like, hey, let's sing together. And like we were just singing and dancing on the beach with strangers. Yeah. And it was just a totally surreal but cool moment, and it just kind of reminds you of the transcendent nature of music.

Robb 8:47

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so so I guess then then so was ministry then the goal to be the be a be a minister, be a I mean, follow following in the you know, church footsteps kind of thing?

Scott 9:00

You know, uh no. I ran from it.

Robb 9:02

Yeah.

Scott 9:03

I didn't want anything to do with it. Uh just seeing how my dad, some of the things that he endured talking about, you know, the bitter politics that happened in church, and I was a little jaded. Um I I wanted to I wanted to do anything but be in a church and also I wanted to make money.

Robb 9:27

Right.

Scott 9:28

And you can't really do that um unless you're Joel Osteen, right? Right. And and others. But no, so I I m started majoring in chemistry. Oh, wow. And uh really liked science and thought I might be a pharmacist. And I worked in a pharmacy for a couple of years, and man, I uh there's something about being chained to a desk and not really having much of a break. And I it was in a retail. I'm sure there are other versions of pharmacy out there that that you're not it's not as um, you know, rote. But but I I just yeah, I realized I didn't really like that life, and so I I started getting into politics and I ended up majoring in political science, thought maybe I might work on campaigns or something. And um then man, I there was this this guy at Florida State, his he would come to the student union every every week, he his brother Jed. And uh he would piss me off, know that more more than any other human being at the time, because he would literally get up on a like a soapbox and just start telling all these people about their sins that he has no relationship with. Wow and uh tell them how they're going to hell, and then he would read the Bible and and it just made me so mad because you know I that's not the that's not the version of Jesus that I I read about in the Bible. And um, you know, it's Jesus is often inviting people to follow, not uh condemning them for not following. Right, right. So you know, the more I encountered that, the more the angrier I got I got. And I also I wrestled with faith in college, you know, what if what if this is made up? What if it's not real? What if it's um it's a crutch for the weak? You know, that that you're not strong enough to handle your stuff, so you have to use religion as a as a way to um to overcome it or to as an excuse to overcome it, or to not overcome it, I should say.

Robb 11:56

Yeah.

Scott 11:57

And then uh sort of the Nietzsche philosophy of uh that religion is a tool for to uh is the opiate of the masses, I think he said, you know, and a tool for you know manipulating people. And and I I certainly see all that. I think the institution certainly has a lot of warts. But I just I realized that I I love people and I love getting to know people and I care about I care about their lives and and helping them live better lives. Not that I'm an expert in it. And yeah, I always I just the the motto that I started to live by was that I I wanted to um meet people where they were and help lead them to where God wants them to be. And so I I don't assume that I have the answers and uh certainly not holier than thou. Um but I I just want to help people find hope and healing in the in the world. And so uh in that sort of in that I guess vein, I I started in youth ministry. I took a job at a church and had like three kids, and it wasn't it was it wasn't very large. Um but you know I I think God calls us wherever we are. And uh and I know you may have listeners out there that are like, you know, religion is is bunk, but uh I I I do want to sympathize with with those that uh I believe that the divine is all around us and that God meets us wherever we are. And I also realize that there are varying interpretations of who God is based on you know your religion and where you grew up and and uh your geography and and I also know that religion has been used to uh to torment and abuse people. And so I often say that I I h ave a I really have a passion for the dechurched people, people who are like cranked at the church or who have been disappointed or let down.

Robb 14:33

Yeah.

Scott 14:34

Um because of uh because of the misrepresentation of of the church. So that's as we get into it, as we talk more, I know you know, I just want people to know that's the the heart I'm coming from.

Robb 14:50

Yeah, yeah. And so your uh you know, your journey into you know youth ministry and uh working then in the church, and did that, you know and I love your your center for why you were doing that. You know, I I think that's uh I think that shows in you just from knowing you. Um what what f what brought you to Augusta? What brought you to this area? So I'm assuming you moved around a little bit, because that's usually again how kind of you like radio people, you kind of move around from church to church, station to station.

Scott 15:31

Yeah, it's it's interesting actually. I've um I stayed. I'm I'm one that doesn't like to move around a lot at once I get comfortable. And so I was at a church for a while in in Lakewood Ranch. I think it was about six years, and we had just had our second child, Russell. I went on paternity leave and came back, and I just felt like I you know, I needed change, and the church needed change. I think they needed to go in a different direction, and I wasn't the right fit anymore. And um, and also at that time my my wife now ex and we can talk about that, but um her father was recently diagnosed at the time with stage four colon cancer, and they l lived in Statesboro, and so I we just had Russell and I I came home and I was like, I think I think I'm gonna quit my job. And I'm one of those that like talks about walking in faith, and uh, but rarely do I have moments where I've I've felt like God definitively told me to do something. Yeah, I mean, I've just recently had another one and it's been a long time, but like generally it's kind of like an inkling or an inclination, like uh, you know, and I know what the scripture says, and it's sort of like the wisdom of what I should do. But but man, I felt like God was telling me to quit my job. And so I just I went through a a year period where I ended up commuting to Orlando, which is a couple hours away. Yeah, um, and I would take my my son Russell with me, and uh, because we couldn't afford daycare for him, our daughter was in daycare. And uh, and so I would go work with my dad in Orlando at a church. He he called me up. I was unemployed for like, I don't know, a few weeks, and he said, Hey, uh, we need a youth minister. We just lost ours, and you're unemployed, and and we've got some things already scheduled, and you know how to do these things. So I was like, Yeah, sure. So it was really cool. I got to work with my dad, and uh we did that for a year, and then I had a moment where like I got I had nothing, no like prospects of a of a permanent job, and and the commute was getting kind of old.

Robb 18:28

Yeah.

Scott 18:29

Um and then like within that year, at one time there was a church that said, hey, we need somebody who to be a worship leader, and they they wanted to interview me, and uh my dad's church then wanted to hire me full-time. And um then a church in Statesboro needed an assistant pastor, and I interviewed for that, and they offered me the job, and so that allowed us to be able to move and be close to Laney's father, and she was able to get a job at Georgia Southern and worked uh down the hall from him and and uh until he retired and he eventually passed away, but she was able to to be there with him through his final days, so yeah, it was a real blessing. And and just uh, you know, long story short, I I was there I think for about six years, and and um then Wesley here and Augusta called and had a or Evans and a friend who I had ties with back in Florida was one of the pastors at Wesley and he was moving on and he invited me to come check it out and yeah, it seemed seemed great, and uh came here and six months later it was COVID. Oh wow, yeah. And um it was about nine months later, but yeah, it was it's things were going great, and then then I became like an A V engineer overnight, and uh I you know I've always I've got a little bit of IT background and A V background, and I'm just curious about a lot of things. So I I was working in video and and so I started doing that, live streaming for the church and kind of doing things behind the scenes.

Robb 20:27

Yeah.

Scott 20:28

And um, you know, and that's that's how I kind of got started there.

Robb 20:33

Yeah. Yeah. And I and I don't remember, I mean, I know we were still in COVID when I started to come work because I started just running a camera. Uh Ryan Abel was doing music there, and he's like, Hey, I know you do camera work, you you know, and so I was running a crane camera in the gym. Yeah, you know, when that's what because that was the easiest way to keep everybody, you know, six feet apart.

Scott 20:58

Yeah, we started outside. We we built a trailer, uh or we outfitted a trailer with gear that we would lock up and then like set up every Sunday, and then we had a tent outside, and then we were able to move indoors in the gym, but still spacing everybody.

Robb 21:13

Yeah.

Scott 21:14

Yeah. Um I don't miss those days.

Robb 21:17

I miss the crane camera sometimes just because it would be a good shot to have. It would be. But yeah, and then so then we, you know, things morphed and moved, and we were able to move back into the interior space and stuff like that, and moved off of the camera and to, you know, because Ryan left and other people came, and um and now I punched the punch the live stream. Um but and now you're not there, but there. You were playing with the band uh, you know, some of the Sundays. And of course I know I text you and other people text you when something goes wrong because basically you built that whole system to begin with. Because you built it because of COVID, because everybody went to streaming and they're Like, all right, we need a streaming. You're like, all right, well, let's figure this out. So you know where everything's plugged in at.

Scott 22:05

So Yeah. Well well, I mean we just rebuilt it too, uh, because they put new carpet and stuff in there. But yeah, I was a pastor, uh, an associate pastor there for a good while. And uh I would preach in the modern worship services pretty regularly. And um uh eventually just through a variety of reasons, uh I felt like I needed a change. And uh I guess the university was hiring for a director of broadcast media, and it it was a bit of a promotion. So I I took that job, and now I'm I'm responsible for leading a team, and we broadcast things for the university and particularly athletics uh for the most part. Um but yeah, I I kind of went all went away from the church for a little bit to give myself and and some others some space to uh some some new folks to come in and and create their own um create well make it their own, I should say.

Robb 23:16

Right, right. Their own their own version of what put their own stamp on it is what I was trying to say. Yeah, absolutely.

Scott 23:23

And uh yeah, so I but I I definitely needed uh I I started missing out uh some things going a little heywhere.

Robb 23:34

So I mean that's uh you know, just from knowing uh preachers and pastors and and folks like that, yeah, that's it's it becomes a 24-7 type of gig. When something happens, there's there's always somebody in a hospital that needs to be visited. There's always a crisis that needs a counselor or something like that. And and even though you or the associate or whatever, if they feel like they have a bond with you, they're gonna call you instead of calling the head guy or some random deacon on a board or whatever it is, because they feel like they have a connection. And you feel like you have a responsibility to respond to that, even though it's like, well, I'm at a my daughter's ballet recital or whatever it is, you know, you still feel pulled away because of your responsibility, right?

Scott 24:28

Yeah. I've I've found that, and this is in retrospect, but uh many, many pastors um have terrible boundaries. And it's not for lack of trying. I I think they we mean well, but as you say, like there can be a lot of demands. People may not realize the business nature of a church. Not that you ever want to think of it that way, but you know, there are logistics you have to plan for and events that you plan for, and you have to manage volunteers, and you have to create and craft vision and and strategy and how ultimately how you want to grow. Now, I think where some churches get into trouble is they want to kind of grow their own, grow themselves rather than grow the kingdom. And uh I think the the Bible's imperative is for us to make disciples to bring heaven to earth. And sometimes we want to, you know, making disciples only pays the bills if those disciples stay at your church. And so there's there can be a a conflict there uh sometimes. But my my heart was always with people, and uh I I just loved talking with people and listening with to people and listening to their stories and and um just meeting them where they are. I somebody once said to me, he's like, I I don't know how you can come to church and listen to people and listen to all their problems and listen to all these these things that people go through and then look at them on a Sunday morning and and just go on about your business. I said, man, I I think we're all a mess. And uh I don't see anybody any differently. And just because somebody had the courage to come talk to me about it, I'm not gonna treat them any differently, you know? And so that was always a thing that fueled me, is just being with people.

Robb 26:53

It was the just the other stuff that's uh part of that, it seems to me, now in in some of the stuff that you're doing, you've you've kind of I don't want to say just posting content, but you're posting content you're, you know, which is which is amazing that you're taking, you know, the skill you had to learn because of COVID with all the video production stuff, and combining it with your heart for people, and now you're putting out stuff. So how did how did that idea happen? Was that uh more like I need this to get out for me, or I know it will help someone as well? Both. Yeah.

Scott 27:38

So this is gonna go into the mental health aspect. So I don't know if you want to.

Robb 27:48

I mean, that's fine. That's fine. I'm just I'm I'm just wondering how the the impetus of of getting started, you know, what that what that was about. And we'll go we can go deeper in the next segment too.

Scott 27:58

But so I I made a concerted effort to quit social media in 2016. And I rarely would post anything. And the reason I did that is because the election then was really getting to me. I think a lot of a lot of good people were saying a lot of nasty things. And it just wasn't an arena that was fulfilling me. It was just, you know, kind of soul sucking. And so I just I cut out. I got, I just decided not to do, not to do any content or even just to post pictures for my family. I I just kind of got out. And that that was a way that a lot of people and I would connect, particularly folks from old churches and things like that. So like and it was all all social media, Instagram, Facebook. And so that was kind of the beginning of me isolating myself in a way, like unintentionally, but that was the unintended consequence of it. And after I left my job, or left the church, I left Wesley at I was so in a in a way I was burned out from church, from religion. And I just I I felt like I needed a break. And in retrospect, I I did it in the wrong way. Um and I I just kind of put my faith aside. And what I didn't realize is that in doing that, I was isolating myself even more, but then I was like separating myself from my calling, and the thing that I that gives me fulfillment, and and really the fulfillment is in relationships, it's in connecting with people, and I wasn't doing any of that. And I just got into a I got into a really dark place. And uh ultimately I I realized that that something needed to happen, something needed to change. And there was a there was sort of a catalyst that propelled me into now this content making space. And it really got me back into social media.

Robb 30:44

Um and so I don't know if you want to you want to dive into that or we'll we'll we'll we'll dive into that in in just a second then. So it so something happened, you got in, but it seems like you've approached it the the right way now as opposed to previously where it seemed like it was you know what I mean. It may have been more passive previously, and now it's more active as far as like you creating, saying the things that you weren't finding previously.

Scott 31:14

Yeah. Also, I I do feel a conflict internally with social media and putting content out in that it can feel self-promoting. And I I really mean this. Like I I'm I mean it's it's work. Like I I'm not getting paid to do it, you know. And and so I'm not I'm doing it for the creative process, but also because I just want to I want to help people and I want to inspire people to the extent that I can, you know. Yeah. Um and and so I don't want to give the wrong impression that I'm doing it to glorify myself.

Robb 32:03

Yeah.

Scott 32:04

You know, it's it's and so when you I'm always fighting that internal struggle, like, do I post this or why do I post this?

Robb 32:12

And but at the same time, you get to post some things because of of algorithms and well, you know, and I'll say from my own experience, for this podcast itself, and and if people have listened before, they've heard me say this, it's like, you know, I put a lot of pressure on myself for this to be this positive, you know, or this this perfect thing, and um a lot of that um imposter syndrome and like nobody wants to hear you, nobody cares what you have to say type stuff. And it wasn't until, you know, a friend of mine was like, no, you have something important, you're helping people tell their stories, you're helping it, and somebody, somebody somewhere needs to learn. It's not on you to worry uh about who hears it. It's on you to worry about put it out there. The people that need to hear it will find it. And that's the part you that's the faith part that you just have to trust is like, all right, we did this, we put it out there. Whoever needs to hear it will hear it.

Scott 33:12

I was just yeah, I was listening to a devotion this morning, and uh and it was about Lazarus and Jesus telling the disciples, like, hey, Lazarus is asleep, and he was telling them he was dead, but he didn't say it outright. And then the disciples thought he was like the literally asleep, and he's like, No, he's dead. And uh, but the interesting thing there at the end was that Thomas, the one who was like doubting Thomas later was was like, Well then let's go and die with him, you know, kind of like this assertion of of faith. And one of the questions or one of the suggestions in the devotion was like, let faith be the bridge between confusion and clarity. And man, I've I have not lived that more and experienced that more than I have in the past few months, I can tell you. That's great, that's great. And it's just exactly what you're talking about. Um you know it we can't be so worried about statistics that we lose sight of the bigger picture, which is that if it helps one, it's worth it.

Robb 34:32

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Um Scott, for you uh right now, I know um for this has been this part has been a little bit of a heavy segment, but what is bringing you joy right now in your life?

Scott 34:50

What is bringing you joy You know I am kind of in uh in a difficult season right now, and I'm what's bringing me joy is like spending time spending time with my kids. My son's in travel soccer, at Russell's in travel soccer and Ella, she's playing softball, and and um also she's just started driving, and uh it's nerve-wracking for a parent, but just trying to cherish the moments that I have with them, and also because I I had isolated myself so much, I'm just saying yes to a lot of things. I I know like we've got to preserve our boundaries, but um I'm uh one of those rare uh introverted pastor types. You know, I was always always loved being one-on-one with people and listening and hearing stories, but like having to go out and work the room in glad hand and all that just stressed me out, gave me anxiety. So um, but I I've I felt very certain that God's been saying, man, you you've gotta say yes, you you've got to get over your fear. And so like you ask me to do this, and normally I'm more comfortable asking questions and answering them. And uh, but I I said yes, and and uh making this content, this new content is is bringing me joy, and uh you know, spending time in in nature has been bringing me joy. Yeah, yeah. I've been spending time out at the lake, and then you know, just uh exercising and just getting healthy has been bringing me some joy. And spending time with friends and family. I've I recently reconnected with a lot of friends and family, and I went on a pilgrimage down to Florida to rediscover myself, and it was just totally transformative. So so yeah, like I'm I'm fine enjoying the little things, uh, especially in the aftermath of my life kind of blowing up.

Robb 37:22

All right, Scott, this is the second segment of the show. This is where we dive a little bit deeper into that mental health journey you've taken because I do believe the more we can talk about these things, um, the easier it is for all of us to realize we're not alone in these things, no matter what our station in life. So, for you, how do you keep the darkness at bay?

Scott 37:43

So I made a video not too long ago that talked about the nature of the darkness in me. I think people assume or expect that when you're a pastor, you are so full of the joy and love of Jesus, and there's nothing that ever goes wrong. And I think well, one of the things I said in the video was that what people may not have known about me and and mental some mental health issues, anxiety and other things run in my family. And I said that there's always been my life has been kind of like riding a fence, and on one side is is the light and the other side's the dark. And for me, what's always kept the darkness at bay has been faith and not just belief, but living out belief. And I I think I think that actually pertains more to calling. And there's a a theologian who said that you know, God calls us to where our gifts meet the world the world's needs. So if there's something the world needs that doesn't benefit us, that doesn't serve us, so it's it can't be self-serving, but to act selflessly to help others or to improve their life or to give them hope or or to give them uh reason to persist, whatever it is, that if we can do that, then that is in a way you know, bringing heaven to earth is what Jesus called us to do, but but also it's living out our calling, and that's that's putting light to the darkness. And after I left ministry, I wasn't doing any of that, and uh yeah, I got into a really, really dark place and just felt a lot of shame and a lot of just lack of fulfillment in in what I was doing. Not that I didn't enjoy it or I wasn't good at it, but that I I didn't have that connection to people that I've always had and and uh I was unhappy in in my marriage and I and I mean I take ownership of all of this, you know, as as my father just kind of I spiraled and you know ended up losing my marriage and losing a couple close relationships and because I pushed everybody so far away because I felt so much shame, shame from things that having to do with like my my body image and my weight, and and I think I was dealing with some depression as well and anxiety and um just sometimes you feel paralyzed, like things can be so overwhelming and and you just don't know where to begin, so you don't start, and you just feel the weight of this inertia on you, and it's like when and then people would would say like you know, like just calm down or or just be happy or you know, just deal with it. And you know, one of the things I said in this video I put out is like shared a little bit of my story was that brain chemistry is a thing, and it's having to deal with some of these issues does not mean you have a lack of faith or that you are a lesser Christian. And uh, and so yeah, man, I I I struggled mightily and got got so bad that I started asking questions, like, well, if nobody, I mean, I've isolated myself and nobody's gonna mind if I'm if I'm gone. Nobody will notice. And you know, my my kids were the reason I was hanging on, but I even started thinking, well, I have this life insurance policy, and I can probably provide for them better in that way than I could, you know, staying alive. And and so like you get into these dark places and you you start thinking about reasons to exit, and they make sense, and I just got to such a bad place that I I made a plan to to leave the world. And uh a friend of mine was getting married, asked me to do his wedding, and I agreed to do it, you know, a long time ago. And and on my calendar, that was like the last thing, the last commitment that somebody had or that I had that somebody was expecting something from me. And and so I decided like after that, yeah, I checked the the life insurance. Policy and it was it covered it. And like I I just like went through all these steps, and you know, I something happened at work that I kind of lost my cool on somebody. And I like it was like this light bulb went off. And I was like, I don't like who I am right now. And I I immediately like reached out to I went online and found a therapist and reached out and made an appointment. And they called me the next day and they were like, hey, can you come you know in two weeks? And I was like, Well, do you have anything earlier? I'm kind of in a bad way right now. And um, yeah, made an appointment and I've been going since. And it's it's been a tough road, but uh uh such a good road. And it wasn't long, maybe after my first session, where I I decided this plan was dumb. Um but the exit plan. Yeah, the exit plan. It's sometimes we have to to fight hard to earn hope. I think I think there are some people that walk around and they're just optimists and they ha have a hopeful outlook. And then there's some of us, I'm I'm more bent towards the cynical side. And I have to struggle to find it, to find the hope. And when I started thinking about more than just my kids, but but things that I offer the world and that may be missed. I I started to rethink everything and and also to like rethinking about how my grief was was shaping me. And sure enough, the day of my friend's wedding, the morning of it, my Ella was sleeping at his house, his daughter and my daughter Ella, both named Ella, and they're friends, and Ella was gonna wake up with them and help set up for the wedding and stuff. And I get a phone call 8:30 in the morning. I just happened to be in bed still, and uh I was awake, just kind of doom scrolling or whatever. And I see the phone ring, and and I'm thinking, why is he calling me? It's on his wedding day, and I wasn't gonna answer it. Then I was like, wait, he's calling me in the morning. And so I I quickly I pick it up, and he lets me know that uh they were on their way to Waffle House, and uh driver, another driver, ran a stop sign going 60 miles an hour, and they were they were in a really bad rig. And uh first thing he said was, you know, I just want you to know everybody's okay. But here's what happened, and uh you know, he told me a little bit more about the details, but Ella he gave the phone to Ella and and he did say Ella was doing okay, but as soon as he gave her the phone, she started to break down and cry. And you know, I just you know try to encourage her. Uh Laney and Russell had gone to a soccer tournament, so it was just me and so I met them at a at a walk-in clinic. They're getting evaluated just in case. Ella seemed to be okay. And uh, as soon as I walked to the door, she came walking briskly out and just greeted me with the biggest hug you can imagine. And I say in the video, like she's not a hugger. And she she wasn't let she wasn't letting go.

Robb 48:19

Yeah.

Scott 48:20

And I man, I can tell you, like, it was in that moment where something something shifted in me where I thought I I may not have been here for this moment. And they need they need a father still. So I mean it was sort of like God revving up the engine of hope in in me. Yeah. And uh, you know, we ever everybody was a little banged up, but not nothing serious. In fact, I I even ran, because this is much of a nerd I am, I ran the the details of the accident uh through AI, and and I was like, what are the odds that somebody would be seriously injured or or dead based on the facts of this? And it was like 60 60% serious injury and 30% fatality, and nobody was injured. I mean it was it was the tar and the car was total, and so it was it was miraculous. And I'm just grateful. And so, you know, many therapy appointments after that and processing that, I I decided I needed to go down to Florida and rediscover and remember who I was, yeah. And met with a lot of people. Um, I posted this video about my plan and and what I was gonna do and and sort of what brought me out of it. And uh I did it in a as an awareness for mental health awareness month, men's mental health awareness for June. I I just felt like God was saying, you you gotta put this out there, you gotta make this video. And I'm like, man, like this, but I gotta share a lot of embarrassing stuff. I don't really want to put this out there. And just felt I've felt almost like this acid reflux, like it's this heavy feeling and this nagging that I had to do it. And so I did it. And I've I've people are still reaching out to me about it, and I've had people comment about family members that have committed suicide. I had one person reach out about just how inf instrumental I was in their life, and I didn't even know it. And a number of my former students commented and and I I didn't post it for me, like I I posted it for my own healing, but I wasn't looking to get anything from it.

Robb 51:12

Yeah, yeah.

Scott 51:13

But I just wanted men especially out there to know like it's okay to be vulnerable and that it's not a weakness, that there's strength and honesty and vulnerability, and um and that doesn't make you a lesser man. In fact, I I just believe I'm so much healthier and stronger now than I was then because of the of the suffering that that I've endured, but then allowed myself to be vulnerable and reach out to people and be honest. And people have have really been very supportive of me. So it's it's it's been an incredible journey. So part part of the thing that keeps the darkness at bay is just reaching out to people. And uh I realized after after feeling the way I was and then going to therapy, I I I needed to get back into church. And so I called Luke and I was like, hey man, can I just uh I know you don't need it two guitarists every week, and uh you kind of rotate us in and out, but like even if you just mute me, can I come and play? I just need an excuse to pick up my guitar, and I just need some motivation. I need I need to be around people, I need community. And I was I was honest with him about what I was dealing with, and he was like, Yeah, man, come on. And and so I just showing up and putting one foot in front of the other sometimes is all you can. Um even those days where you feel like you don't want to, doing the thing is really important to keep to keep the the darkness away. Um in fact, I'm working on another video about this very topic. And a friend of mine, we were talking, and we were like, you know, like darkness is a state, like we are all enveloped in it without any source of light. And so you have to have you have to have something, a light source that projects light. It so you're not in like a state of light, you are in a state of darkness, and you need the light to to shine through. And I think for many of us, we we can get so busy or so wrapped up in in the world or so stressed out about things over which we have no control or anxiety over things, and and what happens is our light begins to dim. And sometimes we can become so, I think, I don't know, oppressed by it that we don't we don't know what to do, or we don't know how to how to move forward. And then our light keeps dimming, and and when the light goes out, you you lose your hope. And so I I just want to encourage people, you know, whatever you can, whatever you can do to keep the generator on and keep the light on, and to keep finding the thing that gives you hope, the thing that gives you light. So I went back home. I remembered who I was, uh, people I met with, and old students, old parent volunteers, and they and then a friend of ours, Jeff Thomas, I talked to him and he he said, Man, you're a preacher without a a pulpit. And I was like, I don't know about that. But after I released that video and I saw like the people are really moved by it, uh I I thought, well, maybe I'm a preacher with a platform. Um and so I I'm just trying to make creative videos that will maybe inspire people or give them hope. You know, I created this channel on YouTube called Bones and Breath. It's based out of Ezekiel, where there's this valley of dry bones, and they they come alive and they gain life only through the breath of God. And you know, many people don't know, but like breath in the old testament is is called ruach in Hebrew, but in Greek it's pneuma. But pneuma is also the word for spirit and wind. And so you have this wind, spirit, breath, all it's like the holy breath, the holy spirit of God breathing through that gives people life. And and so to me, the the image is like these stories are the inspirational stories of hard-earned hope are what gives people light. It's what allows the spirit to move. And I think, you know, tries to, you know, whether it's a a dumb video about my kids or um, you know, me make me clowning myself or me making a serious video. And I also hope to incorporate other people in the project at some point to tell their stories. Um it's really just uh help people find hope because people are who matter to me.

Robb 57:34

It's gonna it's time now for the third segment of the show. It's time now for the fast five. The fast five is time now for the fast five. I'm still working on that theme song. That's good. Thank you, and I appreciate that. Maybe I get you to do a little guitar riff or something like that. There we go. Do some harmonizing. That's right. Fast Five is powered by Pod Dex. It's an app created by my friend Travis Brown. If you go to ChewingthefatBR.com slash poddex, uh that'll take you to your app store where you can download it. It's great uh conversation starters. Um, but no wrong answers. It's just the first thing that comes to the top of your mind. You ready?

Scott 58:15

I'll run it.

Robb 58:16

Question number one. Burger or hot dog?

Scott 58:21

Burger. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger.

Robb 58:23

What's the what's the go-to build on your cheeseburger?

Scott 58:26

I'll I'll I'll take it anyway, except onions. Yeah, okay. Give me mustard, give me, you know, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, whatever. Well, not lettuce now.

Robb 58:36

No, not now. Not now. No lettuce now. Lettuce, previous lettuce, and hopefully one day lettuce again. But right now, no lettuce.

Scott 58:44

No lettuce. We'll pass. Literally.

Robb 58:46

Literally. Question number two.

Scott 58:51

Incidentally, you know what you call uh a vegetarian with diarrhea?

Robb 58:55

What?

Scott 58:55

A salad shooter.

Robb 58:56

Oh my god. Question number two. If you could go back in time and give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?

Scott 59:12

A couple things. Um you're gonna be okay. Yeah. And become a therapist. Yeah. I yeah. I I struggle with what to do in life, and I I think I I realized that that's probably what I would have probably what I should have done. Um but you know, it's I have to go to grad school and then get licensed and all that, and it takes a lot of time. So I think that ship has probably sailed, but I still still want to help folks. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. I love it. Love it. All another thing that I would tell myself is uh buy Apple stock, not Apple products.

Robb 59:57

Indeed. Indeed. Yes. Question number three. What would you like to accomplish in the next year? We're about halfway through right now, so by the end of the year, anything you want to accomplish?

Scott 1:00:13

Yeah. I this is sort of a dumb answer, but uh I'm working on inner peace. Sort of like oh, is it Mr. Ugwe and uh Kung Fu Panda, you know, inner peace, you know. But I I've I've been doing a lot of work on, you know, nervous systems and our nervous system response to trauma and just working through my own responses to things and um and being calmer and and just having a peace about the uncertainty and anxieties in life. And then, you know, also saying yes to more things, not to overextend myself, but you know, I got invited to to go to the keys, and so I I want to do that. Um so you know, stuff like that. There's a couple concerts. Uh one I'm going to that for sure is another one I'm thinking about. So yeah, just living life. I love it.

Robb 1:01:25

I love it. Question number four. What embarrasses you instantly?

Scott 1:01:35

Oh man, not much these days. Oh taking my shirt off, maybe like if I'm going swimming.

Robb 1:01:44

Mm-hmm. You've had a big weight loss journey. Yeah. You've lost a ton of weight.

Scott 1:01:50

Uh 150 pounds. That's a lot. Yeah. You know, and I'm still carrying like some some baggage from all that. But I I've had so much embar so many embarrassing things happen to me over the years. Like I can't like I just laugh at a lot of stuff that other people might find embarrassing. So yeah, there isn't much.

Robb 1:02:16

Okay. There's nothing wrong. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, because it's to me, embarrassment is like, well, if if it's happening, it's happening. I just need to move through it. It's like, you know.

Scott 1:02:29

Yeah.

Robb 1:02:30

And this is from someone whose pants have fallen down in public and stuff like that. That's like, well, all I can do is pick them up at this point. Sorry.

Scott 1:02:36

I don't. I mean, once once you have uh diarrhea in school, um, and you and it goes all over the place when you know, and then you have to carry that. There's really nothing that phases you at this point.

Robb 1:02:50

Yeah. Especially if you get a name, nickname like Potty Scotty or something like that. You know what I mean?

Scott 1:02:57

It's uh I didn't have that, but that was great.

Robb 1:02:59

You do now. So hey.

Scott 1:03:02

Scotty 2 potty.

Robb 1:03:05

Question number five. If someone made a movie about your life, who would play you?

Scott 1:03:15

Forrest Gump. Not Tom Hanks.

Robb 1:03:19

Not Tom Hanks, but actually Forrest Gump. That's why do you why do you say that?

Scott 1:03:25

No, no, no. Uh I don't I'd want to say, you know, like Ryan Gosling, because I don't know. Who do you think?

Robb 1:03:36

Well, I mean, yeah, you know, in the Scott Harris story, I mean seeing the work that Ryan Gosling did in Hail Mary, it's actually not a bad casting, to tell you the truth, you know.

Scott 1:03:50

So, okay, and the non from from a non-looks angle, because I know my kids are gonna clown me for saying Ryan Gosling. They're gonna be like, of course you would say him because he's hot. And that's not what I'm saying. Because he can make fun of himself, and he recognizes I think he has the range where he can play it in a life that's just messed up and find hope in it. And yeah, Project Runway, like not Rumnway, Hail Mary. That's a different uh Ryan Gosling. I don't know why I said that. I did used to watch that uh in the Tim Gunn. Heidi. It's really because I had a like a celebrity crush on Heidi Klum. Yeah. Still do kind of, but yeah, I yeah, maybe I think he I think he would understand the the range the of what it means to have joy and despair and and hold those in tension.

Robb 1:05:10

Yeah, yeah. Like I said, not a bad casting at all. Well, that's our fast five, and that's the show, Scott. Thank you so much for being here, buddy.

Scott 1:05:17

Um I'm happy to uh tank your ratings.

Robb 1:05:20

No, no, no. I don't even look at those things, man.

Scott 1:05:22

That 's good.

Robb 1:05:23

No, this was awesome. Uh if folks do want to keep up with you and maybe your uh you know your videos that you're putting out, stuff like that, what's the best way they can find you?

Scott 1:05:32

Yeah, so if you go to YouTube, uh I've just started it and it's it's all in its infancy, but you can find the first few videos I've put out and it's YouTube and then uh slash @boneandbreath . So at bones and breath.

Robb 1:05:50

Awesome. Well I'll make sure I put a link to that in the show notes. Again, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate you and and uh and I do uh love you and wish you nothing but the success with everything that you got coming forward.

Scott 1:06:03

I really do appreciate you.

Robb 1:06:05

Yeah. And if you would like to support this podcast, I'd appreciate it if you bought me a coffee at chewing the fatbr.com. But until next time, I look forward to the chance we have this to sit spell and chew the fat.